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Archive for June, 2007

thoughts

How long does it take for the guilt to go away? Every night as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep I think about not going to the nursing home that Sunday. I thought about going 3 or 4 times through out the day but always talked myself out of it. The kids wanted to go swimming that Monday so I told myself I would stop in then.

I feel so numb. I keep saying that she’s better now but I can’t make myself truly believe that. I want to feel alive again. All I want to do is sleep but when bedtime comes I can’t. I lay and watch the clock.

The other day I was talking to a friend who had lost her dad 2 years ago. I told her my grandpa had died 10 years ago this Sept. and then it hit me both of the people who raised me are gone. I lost him the year I turned 20 and her the year I turn 30. Even though I still have both my “real” mom and dad alive I feel alone… like a lost little girl. I once got a shirt on vacation that said “I love my mom and I love my dad but grandma and grandpa are the greatest”. I still have that shirt and it’s still the truth.

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Ds’s party was a hit. 14 kids ended up coming plus my 2. The party started at 12:30 and we finally left around 6:30. 3 boys stayed the night… that won’t happen again EVER!!! I finally threaten them and they went to sleep at 3 AM. I am so much more like my grandmother than I care to think about too, she would always stay up until me and my friends went to sleep and I did that with the boys. I can also understand where she was coming from with my clothes lol all the boys had on something of ds’s and it was driving me crazy. I was watching those clothes and shoes like a hawk making sure nothing went home with anyone. I took 2 boys and mine to the pool again yesterday so dh could sleep before working all night last night. Anyway finally at 7 last night (yes 7 PM) I got rid of the last 2 boys and it was just me and my kids. After that we ate and I got to set up the stereo he got and he started putting songs on his new MP3 player. The stereo has a USB plug in for loading songs to a MP3 which is so cool if your computer is running windows 98.

I am so glad I am done with birthdays till next March. Now I can focus on our upcoming Vacation to the beach. Any extra money can go to that instead of birthdays.

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and I can’t sleep. Not sure why that surprises me anymore.

Ds’s birthday party is at noon today at the pool we go to. If all show there will be 21 kids counting my 2. I am hoping for a good turn out. This is the first year I haven’t gone with a theme for him. He wanted a fishing cake and a pool party, so that’s what he got.

We went to the pool the first time in a few weeks Thursday. I have been swimming at that pool since I was about 4 years old. For the first time I was rushed with memories of the times in my life I remember being out there. As a little girl my grandma was the most wonderful person in my life. As a teenager I was a super bitch at times to her. Then I remembered when my dh and I joined and at that time in my life she was my rock. We still had times that were rocky but nothing close to the teen years. In the past months we talked (I talked she listened.. I hope) about the past and I thanked her for being there for me when no one else was. I also told her how sorry I was for being such a bitch in my teen years. I am not sure of the person I would be had I been raised by someone else and to be honest I am glad I won’t ever find out. The past few weeks have changed me in many ways and I can only hope to be to my kids what she was to me.

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11 years ago…

I was at Portsmouth Navel Hospital in labor with my first born. After more than 16 hours of back labor and 2 more hours of pushing, we became the parents of a healthy baby boy. He weighed 8 lbs. and 6.7 ozs and was 21 inches long. It was one of the best days of my life. Little did I know how spoiled he would become being the first grandchild on both sides and the first great grandchild for my grandparents.

Life flies by so fast when you become the parent. It just doesn’t seem like I have been a mom for 11 years now.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy! 😉

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Lesson learned

It’s been one long week. Lots of things happened. Here are some things I learned.

  1. My uncle and I got along great… I really thought he would push me away and “handle” everything himself.
  2. My dad showed up at visitation drunk… some things will never change.
  3. My best friend is a keeper… she really rocked this week.
  4. My aunt never showed up… never would have thought that.
  5. My 2nd oldest cousin is preggers with #4… her oldest is 4 ½.
  6. My grandmother was very skinny… she was a size 2X 3 years ago but now a 10.
  7. Trying to drink away your pain doesn’t work.

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can’t sleep

So I thought I would write. What would my life be like without drama? Hmm I don’t know b/c I have grown up with it, it all seems normal to me. Let me explain… I am sure you all know by now that my grandparents raised me. Well today when my uncle, aunt and I were at the funeral home making plans it was put that she had 2 sons (my uncle and my dad) and 2 daughters (my aunt and me). I never thought about it again till I got home and was talking to my mom. Let me say my mom works for the local newspaper. Anyway I told her my uncle said it was OK for me to be listed as a daughter (I never in a million years thought he would let me be called that) so she then hangs up on me. I thought her cell phone had lost signal so I called her back a few minutes later and she was PISSED. About 10 minutes later my step dad called asking why I did that to her? She is worried about her co-workers finding out about my raising more than how drama is not something extra I need right now. Do you think it was wrong?

Ok people I can promise all of you after not sleeping a wink last night that I did NOT leave my house this morning thinking, “who can I piss off today?” I can say that I was worried my uncle wasn’t going to let me in on the plans but he really surprised me today. We have talked on the phone and in person today more than the last 3 years combined.

Then I thought (maybe it’s from no sleep) my grandmother has been in diapers for a few years so she didn’t have panties on. I called to ask if this was something I needed to worry about and they; said normally people are wearing undergarments. So in the morning I have to go buy her some undergarments and take them to her before visitation starts.

Today after we where done I went to the nursing home and gathered her things. I just hope to never have to go back there. I will never ever forget that smell.

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I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!”

“Gone where?”

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!” thee are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: “Here she comes!”

And that is dying.

Henry Van Dyke

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