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I can’t believe 12 years ago your daddy and I were about to become parents. You took your time coming into the world but man has the time gone by fast. You were one of the best babies I have ever been around. Never crying, waking only once at night from the beginning. It seems you are getting ready to pay us back for that. 😉 I know you are growing up and going to test the waters but remember we only want the best for you. So keep your head held high and know we are proud of you. Oh and no matter what you will always be my little boy! Love you!!

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It doesn’t seem possible that a year is coming near. A lot has changed over the past year. Some good and some bad. I have tried to hold on to the good and let go of the bad. Sometimes that’s so much easier to say. I try to remember that she’s home and not in the hell she was once living. You know, her again. The beautiful, free spirit she was. The one that took no crap from anyone. The one who always had my back, no matter what! The person I looked up too, even if she never thought so. The one that raised me to be who I am.

I am still trying to let go of the night she died. The night I wasn’t there. The last time I held her hand after the call came. The things I can never say again. Never knowing what she was thinking those last few months. Could she hear me? Did she understand my words? Did I say all I needed to say for those years of happiness, sadness, pain, and joy I caused? Did she hear my I love yous and the I’m sorrys? Was the end really peaceful like a prayed it would be?

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I know I seem really happy that school is a day away from being over B U T it also makes me sad. Sad because it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks that next school year I will be the mother of a Jr. high schooler. What happened? It seems I blinked. Where did my sweet little boy go? And where did the smart mouthed tween come from? I don’t remember putting that order in. How can he be turning 12 in 29 days? This last year has gone by so fast. I truly feel I missed lots of it. I just have to try to remember these feelings when the mouth comes to visit… the “your ruining my life”, “I never get to do anything”, or how could I forget “you must hate me”. He has grown a lot but there’s still so much fun left. 😉

 

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Jump…

lol remember that song? I heard it live last night. My step dad got ahold of an extra ticket to Van Halen and I got to go. 😀 David Lee Roth has abs of steel. It was a concert I wasn’t the oldest at. 😉 It took me back to the my childhood, which after a week with a sick kid was wonderful!

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I have been weighed down lately by things. I know I need to stop laying around and do something about those things. That’s easier to say than do tho. This was my first Christmas without her and it sucks. I haven’t been enjoying life or my kids. When I get like this all I do is sleep. Then after the house is quiet I stay up thinking. Dh gets annoyed with me for sleeping all the time but then tells me I shouldn’t have any reason to be depressed. So I keep all of this to myself which I know isn’t a good thing. I have learned that there’s a plan for me but this can’t be it. I have to be able to enjoy things.

I have been thinking alot about a letter I read on Helen’s blog, she wrote it to herself at 18. I don’t have a age to write about just my life.

Dear Brandy,

You were born to 2 young people who didn’t know what to do with you. At 3 you will be giving a better life, try to remember this later down the road. After you turn 5 and your mom calls don’t worry about pleasing her stay with your grandparents. When you are 8 don’t let their drinking bother you, it isn’t your fault.

That July when you are 10 and your mom calls and says it’s ok for you not to go see Papaw, know that it isn’t your fault he’s gone. He was so sick and it was his time to go. Also the man she’s now seeing will be in your life a long time, learn to trust him. He will do anything for you and your future kids.

7th grade will bring the guy you think loves only you, wrong! The next 3 years will be mostly hell, but you will come out stronger than you think is possible. During this time you will do lots of things you will not be proud of later but remember these things will help you be a better person.

During the 9th grade you will meet someone new and he will be good to you. Again you will do things you won’t be proud of. Again they will help you later in life. Just know he’s not the one for you and you will break his heart but it’s the plan. 

What would have been your 10th grade year you will meet another guy. He’s the one but you won’t believe that at first. Things will change so much over the next year. I am proud that you get your GED, you could have let that go too. You will find out who has your back during this time, it’s better this way. At 17 you will get married and everyone will question this but don’t listen, remember he’s the one. One of the best things to ever happen comes at 18, you will find out you are going to be a mommy. Of course you are scared but everything turns out OK, he’s the best baby. Don’t think twice about coming home from the Army, they will be the last months with Didie. Treasure those memories with him. The next few years will be a test for your marriage, stay with it tho it’s all worth it. At 23 you find out your having a girl. She will be very worth all the sickness and preterm labor. She will be why you were always told “you pay for your raising”.

Try to remember tomorrow’s not promised and when Mamaw needs you to just do it. She will be gone before you are really ready. She needs to know things will be OK before she will stop fighting. You also need to know they will be. 2006 and 2007 will be hard. You do what you have to when she’s concerned.  Just don’t beat yourself up about not being there June 10th. You have lots of battles coming your way but know you have the Lord with you so chin up.

 Love,

Brandy

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Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, kids love unwrapping gifts!

Real tree or artificial? Artificial

When do you put up the tree? the day after Thanksgiving

When do you take the tree down? sometime before New Years

Do you like eggnog? I haven’t tried it.

Favorite gift received? My Barbie Dream House

Do you have a nativity scene? Yes.

Hardest person to buy for? my son

Easiest person to buy for? my daughter

Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a typewriter, it wasn’t the worst gift but I thought it was something else.

Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither.

Favorite Christmas movie? Frosty the Snowman or A Christmas story.

When do you start shopping for Christmas? October.

Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? maybe

Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? pecan pie!!!

Clear lights or colored on the tree? colored

Favorite Christmas song? Rockin around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

Travel at Christmas or stay home? Christmas day we stay home. Christmas Eve is my mom’s family and the day before that is the In laws.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yes.

Angel on the tree top or a star? this year I don’t have anything up there.

Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning.

Most annoying thing about this time of year? people who act like Scrooge.

What I love most about Christmas? watching my kids opening their gifts, making Santa’s cookies with the kids and the music!

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My son is grew up. Instead of a Christmas party the 4th, 5th and 6th grades go to a movie and then have lunch out somewhere. So this year they are going to see Alvin and the Chipmunks, something I would like to see too. So I am all excited about it thinking this is the last year and all, until said son informed me he was old enough to go without me. Hello when did that happen? Wasn’t it just last week I was still wiping his butt?

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